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Meet Dicky

The “Double Dater” Toad

Meet Dicky, the “double dater” toad, who Zeni meets in her political science class during her junior year of college. As Zeni reaches down to pick her pen up off the floor, Dicky bends down at the same time to assist her at which time they literally bump heads.

After class, Dicky formerly introduces himself and invites her to join him for happy hour at one of the local pubs. Eager to meet some students from her class, Zeni joins Dicky, resulting in the two of them striking up a friendship for the remainder of the semester.

While Zeni and Dicky graduate a semester apart and both attend law schools at different schools, circumstances eventually bring them back together again when Zeni decides to transfer to the law school Dicky is attending. When they see other again, they instantly rekindle their friendship, spending their free time together studying for their law school classes, attending the at-home footballs games, and indulging Dicky’s love for two-one-specials at one of the local pubs. Eventually, their friendship blossoms into a relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend, until one weekend when that relationship takes a sudden and unexpected turn.

What’s happens between Zeni and Dicky that weekend? Do they get engaged, return to being just friends, or part ways altogether?

Find out more about Zeni’s escapade with the “double dater” toad in chapter eleven and see just how far Dicky will take his love for two-one-specials.

Preview Excerpt from Chapter Eleven

Zeni and Dicky are at a nightclub with Dicky’s brother, Ricky, and friend, Terry, when Dicky keeps disappearing. Part of the scene is laid out here:

“I’ll be right back. That tequila didn’t agree with me,” Dicky said a few minutes later before disappearing across the club into a fog of dry ice and strobe lights. Micky took a seat in the booth next to Terry.

“All right, Micky. What in the hell’s going on?” I asked, pushing the upper part of Terry’s body into the back of the booth to give me a clear line of vision to Micky. “Dicky’s like Houdini tonight. One minute he’s here, and the next, he’s vamoosed.”

“Uh, uh . . . he’s uh, uh . . .”

“You and everyone else have avoided making eye contact with me. And Dicky’s completely ignored me, like I have the plague or something. Now what in the hell’s going on? Come on. Spill it.”

“Nothing’s going on,” Micky replied, looking at the ceiling.

“There. You did it again. You won’t look at me,” I said, growing increasingly frustrated. “I’ve had enough. I’m going to find Dicky.”

I then scooted my butt along the seat of the booth until I reached the edge of it. Once I was at the edge, I attempted to stand, but almost fell when the heel of my shoe got caught in a piece of torn carpet.

“Damn!” I said, in a very loud voice.

Warts & Imperfections

  • Enjoys “two-fers`` of all different kinds
  • honesty is a lost way of speaking

Relationship Outlook

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Meet Louie

The “Lost at Sea” Toad

Meet Louie, the “lost at sea” toad, who Zeni meets one evening at a marina bar in the Abaco Islands. While Zeni is waiting for the band to begin playing, Jefferson, one of the locals, walks up to her table and introduces her to Louie.

Louie, who is a captain aboard one of the yachts docked at the marina, has been coming to the island for years and loves it as much Zeni. The two of them instantly hit things off and end up going to lunch together the following day.

During lunch, Zeni learns that Louie is recently divorced and has lost custody of his children. He tells Zeni that he hopes to find stability in his life by settling down on terra firma versus continuing to work as a sea captain. Enjoying Louie’s company, Zeni spends the next three days with him, writing her book aboard the yacht while he works, then heading out for afternoon drinks, dinner, and some late-night dancing.

Has Zeni finally found the Prince Charming of her fairy tale? Do she and Louie end up settling down into a life filled with adopted children and rescue dogs where their weekends are spent mowing the grass, cleaning the pool, and doing home renovations?

Find out more about Zeni’s escapade with the “lost at sea” toad in chapter eleven. Get ready to run and take cover when you see what happens near the end of this escapade.

Preview Excerpt from Chapter Ten

Zeni is in the Bahamas working on her book when Jefferson, one of the locals, introduces her to Louie. A few days later, Jefferson sees Louie and Zeni at the marina. The scene starts here:

“Hey, guys. Looks like the two of you are really getting along,” Jefferson said, obviously noticing Louie’s arm draped around my neck. I waved and smiled.

Louie said, “Thanks for introducing us, man. We’re already planning a spring wedding here on the island. Will you be my best man?”

I laughed, though no one else seemed to think this was funny. In fact, Jefferson said, “Absolutely, bro. It couldn’t happen to two finer people. I’d be honored,” and then he locked hands with Louie in a manly type of handshake.

“Jefferson, if you could round up two of the island dogs to walk me down the beach, that would be great,” I said, trying to play along with the joke, although no one seemed to be laughing.

“You just let me know the date of the wedding. And I’ll be there dressed in my finest threads with two Bahamian canines in tow.”

“Will do. You’ll be the first person on the invite list,” Louie said, motioning to the waitress to bring him the check.

“Why don’t you let me get this? I know you’re pouring a lot of money into your custody battle. I really don’t mind.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it. If I’m going to die, I might as well die broke. Ever since my divorce, I’ve adopted a new philosophy—to spend it while I’ve got it.”

Warts & Imperfections

  • professes to want a heartfelt commitment and to live on terra firma, yet remains working as a captain at sea
  • suffers from unresolved issues from his divorce
  • implodes quicker than a stick of dynamite

Relationship Outlook

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Meet Artie

The “Arranged Marriage” Toad

Meet Artie, the “arranged marriage” toad, who Zeni is introduced to by Jimmy Spinozzi, a dear friend of her father’s. Zeni runs into Mr. Spinozzi one afternoon at which time he enquires about her personal life. Worried that Zeni is still single and going to get old without having children to care for her, Mr. Spinozzi decides to don his matchmaking hat and introduce her to Artie, a nice Italian boy according to Mr. Spinozzi’s description.

A few days later, Artie calls Zeni and introduces himself. After totally monopolizing the conversation, Artie asks Zeni out to dinner. Trying to remain optimistic that Mr. Spinozzi might find a second career as a matchmaker, Zeni agrees to have dinner with Artie.

Artie arrives at Zeni’s home promptly Friday evening, looking like the ultra-conservative Clark Kent compared with Zeni who is vamped up like the very sassy and somewhat saucy Lois Lane. They head to a beautiful bistro on the beach where Artie finally asks Zeni to tell him about her life, family, and interests.

What happens between Zeni and Artie during dinner that night? Has Mr. Spinozzi successfully orchestrated a match made in Heaven, or are Zeni and Artie more like oil and water that just do not mix well.

Find out more about Zeni’s escapade with the “arranged marriage” toad in chapter nine. Get ready to watch as Artie sticks his foot into his mouth on more than occasion.

Preview Excerpt from Chapter Nine

Zeni meets Artie via the matchmaking efforts of Jimmy Spinozzi, a dear friend of her father’s, who is convinced she is nearing her expiration date for finding Prince Charming. Here is a scene from Zeni’s date with Artie:

“Would you like to order some wine?” Artie asked as I was midway through perusing the list of pinot noirs.

“Sure. How about a bottle of the 2007 Pommard Pinot Noir?” I replied, selecting one of the less expensive bottles. I didn’t know for certain if Artie was footing the bill all on his own or if we were going Dutch for the evening.

“A bottle of wine?

“Uh, let’s see. There are about four glasses of wine per bottle. That makes two glasses for each of us.”

“I apologize. I assumed you might not want to drink more than one glass, especially if you’re thinking about getting pregnant anytime soon,” he said, putting his foot in his mouth again.

Thank you very much, Artie, but I’m perfectly capable of making that kind of decision for myself, I thought, wanting to come across the table and personally shove Artie’s foot down his throat.

“I think I’ll just have the house cabernet,” I said, closing the wine list.

Warts & Imperfections

  • believes in an arranged marriage versus marrying for love
  • wants to be connected to a spouse at the hip 24/7
  • refuses to believe a woman can exist without a man

Relationship Outlook

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Meet Sergie

The “Sugar Papa” Toad

Meet Sergie, the “sugar papa” toad, who Zeni meets on an on-line dating site she joins to conduct some research for her chronicles. After posting a profile on the site and receiving a deluge of e-mails from men all around the world, none of whom capture her interest, Zeni decides to proactively search the members’ profiles when she comes upon Sergie’s profile.

Although Sergie is looking to meet a woman under forty, Zeni decides to e-mail him even though she is forty-two years of age. Seconds later, after sending her e-mail, Zeni has second thoughts and feverishly attempts to delete her e-mail. Thinking she has been successful, she is later surprised when she receives an e-mail from Sergie in reply.

Zeni and Sergie then engage in a hilarious e-mail exchange where each learns some surprising secrets about the other. Once their respective secrets have been exposed, Sergie asks Zeni to dinner. When Sergie arrives to pick her up for their date, though, Zeni is surprised by another secret he has been keeping.

What does Zeni discover when Sergie arrives at her home? Does Sergie grant Zeni a pardon for being over forty, or is she “over the hill” in Sergie’s eyes?

Find out more about Zeni’s escapade with the “sugar papa” toad in chapter eight. Zeni’s adventure into the world of on-line dating will leave you wondering if it is all it’s cracked up to be.

Preview Excerpt from Chapter Eight

Zeni decides to try on-line dating to conduct some field research for her book. She meets Sergie on a dating site called “Sugar Papa”. Here is part of an e-mail exchange between Zeni and Sergie:

In reading through Sergie’s email, I realized he had uncovered my identity by the fact he referenced I was Italian and a lawyer. As I sat there laughing about his investigative success, I attempted to open the photo attached to the email.

After several failed attempts, the photo finally opened into a new window displaying a small headshot, measuring approximately one inch by one inch on my computer screen.

“Damn!” I said out loud as I attempted to enlarge the photo. “I can barely see him in this photo. And it’s only a headshot so I still have no idea what he looks like from the shoulders down.”

With my curiosity now at its peak, I sent Sergie the following email:

Dearest Sergie,

Ah, touché! As for being a good attorney, my reputation precedes me. I’ve attached some photos of myself with family members and friends. By the way, can you resend your photo in another format? I can barely see you in the tiny photo you sent.

Dredging the swamp while I await your response, Zeni

Warts & Imperfections

  • lies about his biographical information
  • looking for a midnight booty-call
  • suffers from “hotness delusion syndrome”

Relationship Outlook

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Meet Mikey

The “Miserably Married Snakus” Toad

Meet Mikey, the “miserably married snakus” toad, who Zeni meets while vacationing in the Abacos Islands. While Zeni is sitting at a restaurant bar, having dinner and reading a book, Mikey and his brother, Richie, plop down on some nearby barstools.

Mikey strikes up a conversation with Zeni and offers to buy her drink. When Zeni’s tab arrives, Zeni realizes she doesn’t have enough cash or a credit card to cover it. Mikey graciously pays Zeni’s tab with a promise that Zeni will buy him a drink the next time they see each other on the island.

For the next couple of months, Zeni and Mikey e-mail each other, exchanging updates on their respective companies with Mikey closing his e-mails by asking what type of shoes Zeni is wearing. On one occasion, Zeni decides to answer him about her shoes and what Mikey sends in response catches Zeni by surprise. Finally, a few months later, Zeni and Mikey meet again at the restaurant bar.

What happens between Zeni and Mikey the second time they meet? Does Mikey expose himself as being a cross-dresser who loves women’s shoes, or does he have another type of wart that sets off some alarm bells?

Find out more about Zeni’s escapade with the “miserably married snakus” toad in chapter seven. You may find you are more than a little shocked by Mikey’s outlandish behavior.

Preview Excerpt from Chapter Seven

After first meeting Mikey in the Bahamas, Zeni meets up with him again several months later at the same restaurant bar. The scene starts here:

Sure enough, when eight p.m. on the thirty-first of the month rolled around, I found Mikey sitting at the bar of the restaurant where we first met. As I approached him, he rose from his barstool, planting a kiss firmly on my right cheek.

“Zeni, it’s great to see you. You look spectacular this evening.”

“It’s great to see you as well.”

“Another great pair of shoes,” he said, staring down at the strappy, gold, high-heeled sandals I was wearing, which complemented one of my favorite multicolored sundresses.

“Thanks,” I replied, taking a seat on the empty barstool next to Mikey.

“I don’t know if I told you this or not. Or maybe you’ve figured it out for yourself. But I have a little bit of a shoe fetish.”

“No, you never did mention it. But I kinda got that impression from your emails.”

“What can I say? I get really turned on when I see a great-looking pair of women’s shoes. I remember the pair you were wearing the night we met⸺silver, high-heeled sandals that crossed around the ankles—hot, really, really hot.”

Warts & Imperfections

  • stays married despite purported misery
  • engages in practice of swinging and swapping
  • bizarre shoe fetish

Relationship Outlook

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Meet Mannie

The “Married Snakus” Toad

Meet Mannie, the “married snakus” toad, who is a criminal attorney Zeni works with professionally. Although not a particularly handsome man, Mannie is well known for his courtroom prowess as he consistently obtains not guilty verdicts on behalf of his clients.

One evening, Mannie invites Zeni and her staff to join he and his staff for happy hour at a local cigar bar. Upon arriving, Mannie motions for Zeni and her staff to see his humidor after which time, he breaks open a box of cigars, insisting Zeni try one. Never having smoked before, Zeni declines his offer, but Mannie persists, resulting in Zeni getting a hands-on lesson in cigar smoking.

As Zeni attempts to light her cigar, she recites Mannie’s instructions: hold, rotate, puff, blow, and puff again. A few seconds later, Zeni is smoking her very first cigar, a Cuban Cohiba, no less.

After Zeni and Mannie’s assistants head off to listen to the band, Zeni asks Mannie about some of the clients she has referred to him. Instead of answering her, though, Mannie proceeds to take the conversation in a direction never Zeni expects.

What does Mannie say to Zeni that night at the cigar bar? Is Zeni pleasantly surprised or shocked by her discovery of Mannie’s warts?

Find out more about Zeni’s escapade with the “married snakus” toad in chapter six. You will certainly get a good laugh when you find out just how big Mannie’s balls really are.

Preview Excerpt from Chapter Six

Zeni and her assistants join Mannie and his assistants one night at a cigar bar where Mannie teaches Zeni how to smoke a cigar. The scene starts here:

When we arrived back at the table, Mannie summoned the waitress and ordered the entire table a round of martinis. When the drinks arrived, he broke open the box.

“Chiquita, please, try one,” he said, presenting the box to me with its lid opened.

“No thank you. I don’t smoke.” I waved the box away from me.

“What do you mean, you don’t smoke? Everyone in my country smokes. I’ve been smokin’ since I was ten.”

“Um, well, I tried smoking a cigarette one time a few years ago … you know, just to see what it’s like. I almost choked to death.”

“Ah, get the hell out of here! How could that happen?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just challenged when it comes to smoking.”

“Well, smokin’ a cigar is different. You never inhale. You only savor the taste in your mouth.”

“Oh, wow! I didn’t know that. Learned something new.”

Warts & Imperfections

  • inability to remain faithful in a purported “love-filled” marriage
  • suffers from an overinflated self-image

Relationship Outlook

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Meet Timmy

The “Two Timing” Toad

Meet Timmy, the “two timing” toad, who Zeni meets at an out of town legal seminar she is attending with her good friend and fellow trial lawyer, Anthony. While Zeni and Anthony are having drinks at a happy hour sponsored by a legal marketing company, their table becomes surrounded by several male lawyers who are swooping in like vultures, hoping to be the one man to carry Zeni away.

After Zeni rebukes several of their attempts, Timmy approaches the table where she and Anthony are sitting and introduces himself. Zeni and Anthony learn that Timmy is a gifted trial attorney who has a practice not too far from their own.

After returning home, Timmy calls Zeni one afternoon, inviting her to join he and Anthony for drinks Friday evening. When Zeni arrives that evening, she finds Timmy and Anthony sitting at an outdoor bar smoking cigars. After Anthony departs early to see his family, Timmy and Zeni head to a Cuban restaurant for dinner where Timmy offers to help Zeni further her legal career.

What happens between Timmy and Zeni after that evening? Do they maintain a strictly professional relationship, or does something more develop between them?

Find out more about Zeni’s escapade with the “two timing” toad in chapter five. No doubt, you will find yourself reaching for the tissue box when you learn about Timmy’s dastardly personality.

Preview Excerpt from Chapter Five

Zeni and Timmy meet at an out of town legal seminar and are having dinner together with some colleagues. He starts by saying:

A waitress then circled our table, taking drink and appetizer orders. Anthony turned his attention to the cute, blond, marketing representative sitting next to him while Timmy turned to me and asked, “So, tell me about yourself. Have you ever been married? Any children?”

“No to both. How about you?”

“Really? I can’t believe that. Ever been engaged?”

“You first. You never answered my question,” I said, diving into a mound of sautéed mussels.

“Okay, okay, married once. My ex-wife was an engineer. She’s a great lady, but we just didn’t see eye to eye. I have two children with her.”

“Are you involved with anyone now?”

“I’ve been dating the same lady on and off for the past five years. She’s nice, but things have been rocky between us.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Hopefully, everything will work out.”

“Eh, who knows? We’ve been down this road many times before,” he said, taste-testing the Stags’ Leap Winery Merlot, which the waitress had just uncorked and poured into his glass.

Warts & Imperfections

  • lies with no compunction whatsoever
  • picks apart a person’s heart much like a vulture picks apart its prey
  • narcissistic

Relationship Outlook

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Meet Bobby

The “Boom Boom Boomerang” Toad

Meet Bobby, the “boom boom boomerang” toad, introduced to Zeni by her very nosey and extremely imposing, Aunt Luna, who is convinced she is going to lead Zeni to the Promised Land of Matrimony. After all, Zeni is over forty and has never been married, a plight akin to death, according to her Aunt Luna.

While Zeni is apprehensive about meeting Bobby, Aunt Luna insists her matchmaking skills have found the perfect Prince Charming. Forging ahead with her plans, Aunt Luna finagles a meeting between Bobby and Zeni one afternoon, hoping Bobby will be hooked, once he lays eyes upon Zeni. Aunt Luna is over the moon when Bobby admits after the meeting that he is interested in dating Zeni.

For weeks on end, Aunt Luna repeatedly hounds Zeni with reports about Bobby and his efforts to ask Zeni out on a date. Finally, one afternoon, Bobby shows up at Zeni’s office bearing a rather unique gift draped over this right shoulder.

Does Bobby ask Zeni out on a date that afternoon at her office? Is Aunt Luna successful with her matchmaking efforts, resulting in Zeni finally reaching the Promised Land of Matrimony?

Find out more about Zeni’s escapade with the “boom boom boomerang” toad in chapter four. Zeni’s hilarious exchanges with her Aunt Luna are guaranteed to leave you in stitches.

Preview Excerpt from Chapter Four

Zeni is at her law office when Bobby stops by to see her and brings her an elk rug as a gift from his recent hunting trip in Alaska. The scene starts here:

When I opened the door from the hallway, I saw Bobby, standing in the lobby. The elk rug was draped over his right shoulder.

As Bobby approached me, I caught a whiff of the cologne he was wearing, a musky sort of scent which surprisingly complement the quasi-hunter theme he had going on.

“It’s nice to see you, Zeni,” he said as he kissed me on the cheek.

“You, as well. What’s that on your shoulder?” I asked, all innocence.

“I shot an elk when I was in Alaska and had the pelt cured to make this rug for you,” Bobby said, removing the rug from his shoulder and displaying it to me.

“Oh, how kind,” I tried my best to seem gracious about his rather barbaric gift. “Why don’t you come into my office?”

“I’d love to,” he said, following behind me, the rug back on his shoulder.

Once inside my office, he gently laid the rug on the floor.

“Have a seat,” I said, pointing to an empty chair located across the desk from me. “Now, tell me, what happened to the poor elk?”

Warts & Imperfections

  • king of rebound relationships
  • inability to be alone
  • purports to believe in change yet unable to effectuate same

Relationship Outlook

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Meet Alfie

The “Abducted by Aliens” Toad

Meet Alfie, the “abducted by aliens” toad, who Zeni is introduced to by Harvey, her hairstylist of the past five years. At almost every hair appointment, Harvey grills Zeni about her latest escapades in the swamps as he is well aware of her quest to find Prince Charming. On one occasion, though, Harvey is unusually perplexed by Zeni’s plight and suddenly thinks of his friend, Alife, a charismatic, international jet setter, as a potential candidate for Prince Charming.

A few months later, fate intervenes, and Zeni meets Alfie at Harvey’s salon while he is there getting his hair cut. Alfie asks for Zeni’s number and calls her to make plans for dinner later that week.

When Alfie arrives to pick her up for their date, Zeni finds she is highly aroused by his handsome, chiseled physique. She grabs her handbag off the kitchen table and heads off to dinner with Alfie, smiling at the thought of the wonderful evening ahead.

What happens to Zeni and Alfie during dinner? Has Zeni finally met Prince Charming, or are Alfie’s warts and imperfections a little more than what Zeni might bargain for?

Find out more about Zeni’s escapade with the “abducted by aliens” toad in chapter two. Zeni’s night out with Alfie will not only shock you, but have you contemplating whether life on other planets really does exist.

Preview Excerpt from Chapter Two

Zeni is having a conversation with her hairdresser, Harvey. He starts by saying:

After a few more seconds of silence, Harvey jumped up and down and exclaimed, “Oh, my God! Why didn’t I think of this before? I know the perfect man for you. His name is Alfie.”

“Alfie? Now that’s a name you don’t hear very often. Is he straight?”

“Yes, he’s straight, never swung to the other side, at least not to my knowledge. He’s quite a catch.”

“Okay, my interest is piqued.”

“Let me put it this way. If I were straight, I’d be all over him,” Harvey said as he started cutting my hair.

“Can you be a teensy-weensy bit more specific, like does he have a large wart growing in the middle of his forehead?”

“Girl, you crack me up. You know I have better taste than that. Alfie’s successful, physically fit, well-traveled, intelligent . . . ,” Harvey replied as my mind wandered to visions of this fine specimen.

Then, without warning, the guillotine came down, cutting my fairy-tale vision swiftly in half.

Warts & Imperfections

  • believes all human life form evolved from an invasion of alien lizards
  • brainwashed by his religious organization

Relationship Outlook

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Meet Father Paulie

The “Perverted Priest” Toad

Meet Father Paulie, the “perverted priest” toad, who Zeni meets one afternoon at an outdoor wedding reception she agrees to attend with Archie, a lifelong friend of her. After arriving at an old hotel on the beach, Archie heads off to see some of his friends while Zeni makes her way toward the bar. About midway to the bar, Father Paulie stops Zeni in her tracks, wanting to draw a portrait of her as a gift for the bride and groom.

After initially declining Father Paulie’s request, Zeni reluctantly agrees to have her portrait drawn during which time she endures not only the sweltering summer heat, but some out of character behavior from a priest. Father Paulie finally finishes the portrait, but Zeni rushes off to find Archie without seeing the finished product. While Archie wants to give Father Paulie a piece of his mind for his inappropriate behavior, Zeni begs him to let it go as she wants the whole ordeal to simply end.

Is there more to come between Father Paulie and Zeni? What happens to Archie, who adores Zeni and wants to be her knight in shining armor?

Find out more about Zeni’s escapade with the “perverted priest” toad in chapter three. Zeni’s adventure with Father Paulie will definitely leave you wondering if priestly vows of celibacy are truly honored or simply ignored.

Preview Excerpt from Chapter Three

Zeni is attending a wedding reception with her good friend, Archie. As she is headed toward the bar, Father Paulie steps in front of her, blocking her path. He starts by saying:

“Hello, I’m Father Paulie. May I draw a portrait of you for the bride and groom?”

“Uh, no thank you. Would you excuse me?” I replied, attempting to maneuver around Father Paulie, who stepped in front of me once again.

“Please, madam, allow me to draw your portrait.”

“Um, I don’t think that would be a good idea. You see, I don’t personally know the Johnsons. My friend, Archie, knows them from work.”

As I stood there waiting for Father Paulie to allow me room to pass, I could have sworn I saw him staring at my breasts. Nah, he wasn’t staring at my breast. Was he? I shuddered, trying to shake this unsettling thought from my head.

“Please, I’d hate to disappoint the lovely wedding couple.”

“Oh, all right, if you insist,” I said, finally capitulating while blowing off any further thought that he might have been ogling my breasts.

“Let’s move over here,” Father Paulie said, motioning for me to follow him to an open area on the veranda where the sun was beating down. “Now, if you’d please stand right there and give me a big, beautiful smile.”

Warts and Imperfections

  • perversion for pornography
  • engages in inappropriate “laying of his hands” upon others

Relationship Outlook

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